i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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