He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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