My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
