Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
