What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Randomize
