What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
