I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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