I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
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