I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
