....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
There's always time for handjobs
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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