first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
