girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
