morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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