Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
