I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I smell like Dick and happiness
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
