Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
