I will die if light touches me.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
