tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
