Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
