i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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