he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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