I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Randomize
