I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
So much rum. So many feels.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
