Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
