I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
