The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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