TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
