you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
