Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
