if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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