you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
