I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
