If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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