wanna go halves on a baby?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
