My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
