Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
