summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I can't trust your balls anymore.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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