when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
