Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
