Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
