It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
