don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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