just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
