I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
