i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
