he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Randomize
