we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
