So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
