I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
