I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
