i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Randomize
