Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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