Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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