Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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