Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
